Saturday, December 18, 2010
It’s been a year and a half since I have had gainful employment (what is “ungainful” employment?). And it is true what the experts say: it definitely does a job on your self-esteem, your relationships, not to mention your finances. Unemployment only goes so far.
No, I haven’t been lazy. I have applied for I don’t know how many jobs with a total of one interview (which obviously did not go well, although I wish I knew why). I continue to apply for positions. But I am starting to doubt the things I have been told all my life.
My father, as well as a few of my other family members, encouraged me to get as much education as I could. A number of my other family members thought I was trying to be “better” than them. So, it wasn’t like family support was – what should I say? Okay, I just won’t say.
I have followed that educational ideal all my life, until I failed [twice] to complete a doctorate. I do, however, have a degree in psychology, as well as a Master’s in developmental psychology AND a Master’s in Library and Information Science. Although I did not complete my doctoral program, I did indeed complete my exams the second time around. My major fault, as I see it, was being unable to develop a supportive doctoral committee – and that was my fault. Of course, I’m sure my “mentors” don’t see it that way. [I must admit: I still have nightmares about what I consider a major failure.]
Nonetheless, I do have double Masters in areas which complement each other. I would really like to work in an academic setting; whether it is online teaching, research or as an academic librarian. And I have pursued positions in these areas for the last year and a half. But as I have said; to no avail.
I would simply like to know what I’m doing wrong or whether something beyond me is responsible. I have been spoiled in my life having never applied for positions prior to this time where I did not at least get an interview. Now I cannot beg, borrow or steal an interview. I have even applied to Walmart and didn’t get a reply.
Want to know what is worse? My partner applied for a job and got it in a week. My spouse applied for a job and got it in 4 days [they weren’t working over the weekend]. I can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me. If either of them were young and spry [yeah, that was kind of rude to say] I might consider it to be an age thing. But one is younger by 2 years and the other is older by 5 years. Both have high school diplomas and have no advanced degrees! Talk about feeling like I’ve gone down the wrong path!!
Well, I’ll be their house-spouse – cooking, cleaning, laundry, a lending ear when they are frustrated. And I will continue to write.
But I do feel misled. I am working to repair the blow to my self-esteem. But, I must admit --- it’s not easy.